Still Breathing

I’ve been in silence for so looonng..

Before, writing used to be my hobby

I don’t know when writing started to be a burden

The hobby that i disgrace

As all the things that i wanted to forget

Is written so well..

As i read what i wrote years back

That feeling keep coming back

Then i stop to write down what saddened my heart

And now after 2 years plus i’ve stop writing

I feel like i’m less human

I can’t recall why i felt that way

I loss myself in the transition

I’m ruined..

I hate crowd..so this place suited me best..

I wish to write again

About everything

So i can feel like i’m still breathing

Aku yang merindumu~~

Tiada siapa yang pernah tahu

Tiada siap yang pernah rasa

Biar mereka coba mau

coba ada denganku

Mestikah kau perlu menjauh

Mestikah kau perlu menghalang

Perasaan yang pernah datang

Yang tak pernah hilang

Aku yang merindumu

Selalu menantikan dirimu

Yang selalu memahami

Tiap getar hatimu

Aku yang merindumu

Selalu menantikan dirimu

Yang selalu memahami

Tiap getar hatimu

Jika aku yang engkau ingin

Kunantikan satu jawaban

Perasaan yang pernah datang

Yang tak pernah hilang

Aku yang merindumu

Selalu menantikan dirimu

Yang selalu memahami

Tiap getar hatimu

Aku yang merindumu

Selalu menantikan dirimu

Yang selalu memahami

Tiap getar hatimu

Aku yang merindumu

Selalu menantikan dirimu

Yang selalu rindu

Yang selalu menantimu

Song in da head..huhu..Penangan cerita Nur.

Wounded Soul

Feel so worthless

Useless

Unappreciated

Not a priority

Unwanted

Never good enough

Unimportant

Feel so weak that people take me for granted

High expectation that killing me countlessly

And for having such imagination; u love me..

And I'm sad, again

For changing my mind

Thinking u might need me

When actually

I'm just an option

Who there

Or not there

Will never affect u

I'm looking for a road

Not trying to run away

But to find a missing soul

My wounded soul...

Pen off.

Sampai bila?

Dah banyak kali

Buat keputusan yang sama

Dan banyak kali

Balik kepada rasa yang sama

Penat

Berharap pada yang tak pasti

Penat

Bermimpi yang bukan realiti

Penat

Memujuk hati sendiri

Tahu..nanti pasti menangis

Tahu..nanti pasti sesal

Tahu..nanti pasti mencari

Tahu..nanti pasti rindu

Seorang aku

Dan seorang kamu

Kalau tulisnya bersatu

Kita akan bertemu

Untuk hari ini

Biar aku berlalu

Memadam rasa lama

Merawat jiwa duka

Andai tak pernah tertulis

Kita akan berselisih

Aku pasti ingat kamu

Tapi terpulang pada kamu

Untuk ingat aku

Sorry for being me..

             

Dulu kecik-kecik selalu kena usik sebab tak pandai makan pedas.

Dah biasa kena ejek,but sometimes their words were too harsh and its hurt.

Dari kecik, selalu rasa insecure.. You can find me easily at my mother's back.

I'm afraid to walk alone..tak kira lah pegi kedai ke,pasar malam ke..nervous..paranoid..

Bila kena berdiri depan orang ramai, i need to gather all the strength in me..practise hard to control my nervous, to look confident. It's not easy..

Masuk asrama, i need to hide myself. I made it, looking as a different me until i was sent to uk. But then, one day i started to think..

This is not me..i'm fake..i wanted to be real me..the old me..

Then the anxiety came to my door, knocking hard together with those depression.

I'm hiding myself from people..but i welcomed anxiety and depression to be my partner..

I spend most of energy on overthinking..i know this is wrong..i need to seek for help..but i'm no longer believe in people including my family..the only thing that i can do were writing and crying..

I survived. 

I fight all the negative feeling myself. 

No one know. No one realize how broken i am.

Although i've survived, but i still don't feel like living. I tried to open up to people whom i can share this feeling. This anxiety, this depression, this stress that i hold for too long inside me. 

But again.

My anxiety become a joke.

My insecurity become a blame.

Mengada~

Penakut~

Kan dulu sorang-sorang,boleh je..~

You have no choice~

Da besar kot~

All those words hurt me more.

Feel regret for having the believe that,

They can accept all my flaws.

But for them,

I just need to look perfect.. Just hide all those flaws. No need to mention it.

So, i'm back to the old me.

A hectic 2016

Exhausted

Tired

Just wanna walk away

Far,far away...

My life is like a turning pages

Written by others

Who have high expectation

For the next pages

Stress,depress

I might gone crazy in second

No more excitement

No more happiness

No more my own dreams

Only their dreams

I wanna stop

Doing thing for people

I wanna do something

For myself..

I wanna walk away

And never return

My darling

Rasa rindu,berdebar-debar,nervous

Rasa sakit hati,marah,menyampah

Tiba-tiba rasa nak nanges,

Tiba-tiba kecut perut macam nak amik exam

Tapi semua rasa tu kena tahan,kena simpan,kena sorok..

Firstly excited..

High expectation..

Then built courage..

Even smile at myself,

Like a fool..

So happy about you..

And....as usual,

That moment come again.

I felt so sad,

So down..

All the courage flew away..

No more smile on my face,

Like a fool I'm crying..

And....as usual,

I decided to put you aside...forever......again..

I do know,

U always like that.

Somehow, I do think,

I am the one who should be blamed.

I easily get excited just because,

You talked to me.

I got happy just because,

You called me.

I even think it's such a bless just because,

You remembered me.

Need to get rid of this feeling.

It's killing me badly,

It's hurt!

If and only if I had a delete button for the memories,

I will definitely delete everything bout you my darling..

15/10/14